"Children are great imitators so give them something great to imitate." -Joy D. Jones

Recently in social media there has been a movement to bring awareness to sexual violence/sexual harassment. You may have read some of the "me too" accounts on Facebook, and it either left you feeling saddened/disgusted by what the person went through, or maybe it made you think, "Why are they complaining?" Reading the 'me too' accounts left me feeling disgusted that these horrible things have happened to people that I know and care about, and for a moment I thought, this has never happened to me. Then I thought about it and I realized that it has, but I just accepted it as normal.

What are we teaching our children, when as an adult you can look back at your life and think that sexual harassment is normal? I have a lot of thoughts on this topic, as I know some amazing people that have been victims of sexual violence, and I know that they often feel it was their fault. My first thought is about little children and how we teach them to ignore their own feelings to please adults.

Parents often make their children hug or kiss people, that to them, are strangers. Adults make two year olds be polite and say hi and bye to people, even when the child feels uncomfortable. As a professional that works with children under the age of 3, I don't care if your child greets me, because they may feel uncomfortable when I first come into your home. I don't care if they say bye, because they may have any numbers of feelings that cause them to not want to say bye. Whether they don't want to say bye because they are sad to see me leave, or they don't want to say bye because they don't care if I leave, I don't care if they share a farewell with me. I especially do not care if your child chooses to not give me a hug or a kiss, and I will not be the person to make them. Forcing a child to allow an adult to touch them, to be polite, creates a society where sexual violence/harassment is normal.

Words are power, they allow us to express so much in a single utterance, and the absence of words can also speak volumes. A child has a right to their feelings, their words and their body. They have a right to refuse to speak to someone that they are not comfortable with, and they have a right to refuse a hug to ANYONE. Trust is something you earn, especially with children. The world is very scary and their bodies are learning to exist in it. Toddlers must learn to process sound, light and touch. Their muscles, joints, ligaments, tendons and skin must learn to process the input that they are receiving. For some children a light touch is painful and deep pressure is amazing, and for some children it is the opposite. Often, children have difficulty understanding where they are in space, so when someone hugs them, and lifts them off the ground, you are taking away their stability and throwing them into a moment of uncertainty, so if the child hasn't given you their trust, then this can be a very scary and unnerving experience.

As an early intervention Speech Therapist, I always wait for children to approach me. I choose to watch and observe how they interact with the world, and instead of forcing my own agenda on them, I use their ideas of interacting to guide the way I will engage with them. I am also aware that just because today the child is ok with me picking them up, tickling them or sitting on my lap, tomorrow may be a different story, and that is fine. Language comes when a child feels comfortable and is having fun. No one has fun when they are forced into a situation that makes them feel nervous and anxious, and no one can articulate very well when they are in these situations.

My next thought pertains to what we teach children about their bodies. As I was getting ready for work today, I realized that I looked through the shirts in my closet and picked the one I wanted to wear. I always put a tank top on under my shirts because I have large breasts, and thus cleavage. I put the shirt on and realized that I had not chosen a tank top that would sufficiently hide my cleavage, and so I changed shirts. I do this not only because I work with children, but because I grew up listening to jokes about the size of my chest, and getting called out for having cleavage. Society has taught us that women that flaunt their bodies are sluts, and those that hide them are prudes. There is no in between, no middle ground, you are either one extreme or the other.

Recently I heard someone, a woman; try to describe a past co-worker to another woman. The description went something like this, "You remember, she always had really low shirts (with a gesture that fell about mid chest) and you could see (another gesture about mid chest)." The other woman in the conversation responded by saying, "Are you talking about ___?" To which the first woman responded, "Oh no, _____ never dressed inappropriately."

From the gesture that were made, I was confused about the inappropriateness of the shirt level, because as I looked at my own shirt, it fell at the same level. Did this person believe that I also dressed inappropriately? Is it expected that you should wear a turtle neck in August if your cup size is bigger than a B?

We shame ourselves into believing that our bodies should be hidden, or else we are being inappropriate. We learn that if our bodies are not hidden, then what happens is our fault, and then we are taught that if you don't show what God gave you then how are guys going to be interested in you?

Our culture pushes women to be perfect, to buy expensive bras so you can get the right kind of push up, so that your breasts sit in just the right way in your shirt. If you don't have large breasts, don't worry, there are wonder bras that can fake it, because otherwise how are you ever going to wrangle yourself up a husband.

So while you are wearing these bras meant to make you look desirable, don't worry if a man falls into you on the subway and his hand strays too long on your breast. Just smile and say, "It's ok," when he apologizes for invading your space and touching you without permission. Just smile and say, "It's ok," when you are a teenager and a grown man walks into you and his hand grabs your ass, just smile and pretend that this doesn't make you want to run away in fear. Just smile, say, "It's ok," and keep on walking, because somewhere along the line someone taught you that your body wasn't your own, and adults have permission to touch it, whether you like it or not.

My parents never taught me that I had to hug someone just because they were an adult. My parents taught me that I had to respect those that were older than me, to hold the door for them, to allow them to sit in the front seat of the car, to offer to help carry things for them, but never to allow them to touch me without my permission. Somewhere in my life though, I learned that a boob graze or an ass grab was acceptable as long as they apologized. I learned that being called out for the size of my chest, whether by a woman or a man is fine, because after all I should have chosen a different shirt. I learned that I was in the wrong, when really it was the other people that should have been taught that they were in the wrong.

When you take away a person's right to say anything more than, "It's ok," you take away their voice, then you are taking away a piece of them. When you allow your sons and daughters to belittle, harass and abuse others, then you allow them to take away someone else's voice. Take away a person's voice, and you leave a void in their being, a whole that is hard to fill.

Sexual violence/sexual harassment is not just towards women, and it is not just committed by men. There are women that have assaulted others, and there are far too many women that harass other women about their bodies. Children need to be taught that their bodies are their own, and they should love them as they are. Children need to be taught that no one else has the right to touch them or talk about them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. Little girls and boys need to be told they are perfect just as they are, and little girls and boys need to be shown how to respect others in their actions and their words. Until we begin to fill the void in what we show our children, we will continue to have a void in our lives and our culture.

I often will write posts like this, but end up deleting them, because what good is my voice. Today, I will post because I no longer wish to be a part of the problem, and my voice is important. This is the lesson I wish to teach my nieces and nephews, and all the children in my life, your voice is important, and you should let it be heard, no matter how insubstantial you feel.

Today I am making apple doughnuts, for two reasons. One I need to use apples and the other is that doughnuts are made with a small piece missing, yet so many people love them. You dress them up and add things to them, but underneath there is still something missing. There are many adults affected by sexual violence/sexual harassment that have a piece of them that is missing, but they are still amazing and loved by many.

Apple Doughnuts

Ingredients:

2/3 cup sugar

1 1/4 tsp ground cinnamon

2 cups flour

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp ground nutmeg

1/4 tsp ground ginger

1/4 tsp all spice

2 large eggs

4 tbsps butter-melted

1 cup apple cider

2 cups finely chopped and peeled apples

*In mixer with whisk attachment whip together the sugar and butter, add in the two eggs and spices, mix well, add in baking powder, apple cider and apples, mix well, add in flour.

*let batter stand for 30 minutes

*Use doughnut pans if you have them (don't forget to grease the pans), or bake in cupcake tins, or whatever tin you have.

*Bake at 350 F/180 C for about 20-25 minutes

*Drizzle melted peanut butter or caramel over the tops, or drizzle both, don't let anyone stop you from doing what you want!

*Baker's notes:

These doughnuts were easy to make, the whole process took about 50 minutes, even with my slightly inferior oven. The texture is very cake like, but with more substance to it. Mine are shaped like doughnuts and stay together like doughnuts, so I am going to call them doughnuts!

To all those bringing their voices forward with the #metoo campaign, I applaud you for your honesty and your bravery. I know how hard it is to tell a story that has had such an impact on your life, and I know what it is to feel ashamed for something that was out of your control. I hope that this time enough voices join the cause and they are truly heard. Enjoy the doughnuts!